Pushing vs. Pushing Away
07 Jan 2009 Leave a Comment
in children, kids, adolescents, etc... Tags: child, children, homework, life experiences, motivation, parenting, pushing, raising children, Success
I know that as a mom, I am supposed to be my child’s biggest cheerleader. I am supposed to be the one to nudge them to do their best. I am the one who instills the desire to succeed. But at what point do you go from pep squad to scary Hollywood stage mom?
Over the last week I have spent umpteen hours helping my two oldest children with Social Studies fair projects. Throughout the ordeal I have had to continually ask myself, just how involved should I be here? Do they really expect a ten and twelve year old to be able to write a research paper, make a display board, and write, memorize, and deliver a three minute speech? I have to wonder if this isn’t a test of the parents’ ability.
I love my children more than life itself, so it is only natural that I want what’s best for them. The hard part is knowing what is best for them. Is it more important for my child to get a full scholarship to college, or a full nights sleep? Is it better that my daughter have friends who will vote her homecoming queen, or friends that make her feel good about herself? Is it best that my son be the wide receiver of the football team, or keep all of his teeth and bones intact? Is it better for him to struggle through advanced calculus, or breeze through basic business math?
It seems like every moment of every day I am confronted with questions like these. For some reason, the fact that I gave birth is supposed to make me an expert on these issues. But, its obvious just by looking at the kids (and adults) in the world, that we didn’t all have expert parents. The problem is, the perfectionist in me wants to be an expert!
Its so hard not to daily question my parenting abilities. When I see other children who are dressed better than mine, or get better test scores, or have better manners – I have to wonder what I’m doing wrong. When my child gets cut during basketball tryouts or doesn’t get picked for an honors course, I wonder if I could have done more. But, then I see children on anti-depressants and committing suicide and abusing drugs, and I ask myself if I am pushing too hard.
When our kids are little, it is relatively easy to make decisions for them. They have to brush their teeth, they have to eat a balanced diet, they have to wear a coat when its cold. But, as they get older, they bring their own wants and desires to the table, and that has to be incorporated into the mix. I might want my child to continue taking dance lessons after 6 years of time and money, but she might truly rather play softball. Unless I want to be a tyrant, I have to take her thoughts into consideration.
We parents have to remember that in raising our children we bring a full suitcase of memories and experiences with us that our children don’t have. We might want to make decisions for our children that will avoid them having to live out the tough times that we experienced, but does that really do them any good? I might not want my child to have a boyfriend until she is older because I know that it will just lead to eventual heartache, but doesn’t she deserve to have that life experience herself? And, do I really think that I can prevent her from being interested in boys?
It might be important for me to have my daughter be a cheerleader because I missed out on that experience. Or, on the other hand, I might want her to be a cheerleader because I was one and it meant a great deal to me. But, this is her life, and she might put higher value sports, or academics, or even just socializing. It is not fair for me to look at my child with the blurred vision of looking through my own life.
When I look back at my life I have plenty of regrets, and it is easy to blame my parents for not steering me in the right direction. I wish that I hadn’t chosen a boy over an Ivy League college. I wish that I had learned to manage money at an early age. I wish that my mother had given me her sewing talent. But did my parents really do anything wrong that led me to these decisions? Or did I just exercise a free will that no parent can override? Did I just make mistakes that led to life experiences without which I wouldn’t have been the same?
I think that there comes a time in our children’s lives when their personality comes out, and the results will be the same no matter how hard, or how little we’ve pushed. If my daughter has a project due on Friday, I can choose to spend 40 hours on it with her, or 5 hours on it with her and the end result will be the same. She might get an A if I spend 40 hours, but her knowledge on the subject was worthy of a C. She might get a C if I spend 5 hours on it with her, and she deserved the C. That A on her report card might help her get into college, but when she gets there, her performance is still going to be on a C level.
All I can do is let her know the value of a good work ethic, and the value of doing something to the best of her ability, and the value of dependability. I can’t force her to succeed, but I can teach her what it feels like to do so. Whether or not she makes that choice is not up to me. When she grows up, she can’t take me to work, she can’t take me to college – but, she can take the lessons I taught her.
I walk a tightrope everyday between being an inspiration to my children and running their lives. Its not easy, and I’m sure I make mistakes, but I have don’t give up. Hopefully one day my children will look back and know that they did their best, and that I did my best.
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